Shurely shome mishtake?

Oh come now HMRC, I hope this is not true. This is a note from my trusty sidekick Penfold. I've never seen him so angry before? I forward his note to you in full and trust that you will take note and act accordingly.

Crumbs DM!, - Those peskey HMRC people are at it again. You remember my aunt in Abergavenny who sends me cookies? Well, she cannot send me anymore for the time being. Her costs have increased by 17.5%. None of her expenses where she is incurring tax are being repaid.

Her phone bills, her IT bills, her business costs are all being withheld by HMRC. She then got a solicitor to sort this out and they wont even pay the vat back on those bills either! She is stuffed.

I am going to Wales to stay with her for a week. I'm sorry I cannot assist you with any secret missions until then, but this cannot be helped Chief. I think Leslie Strathie is behind all of this.

Yours, Penfold

Dear Ms Strathie,

Penfold is my loyal sidekick and your stance in this respect is plainly unjustified and unlawful.

Penfold's aunt has an absolute legal right to deduct VAT under the Sixth Directive together with a basic right to legal certainty and fiscal neutrality in her dealings with HMRC. She also has a right to go about her business without unlawful restraint or interference from others.

Now because of you, I dont get any cookies! Stop terrorising businesses and do something more constructive instead.

Oh and don't EVER step onto a Zebra crossing in front of me, you parasitical pissflap.

Yours sincerely,

DM

No Rule of Law

Dear HMRC,

Today I have intercepted a transmission between Baron Greenback (aka Geoff Lewis) and Blofeld.

I have confirmed the authenticity of this transcript through our high-tech voice recognition system. Here are the details of their rather disturbing conversation.

Start Transmission:-

Loss of Transmission:-

Good grief HMRC, what has happened to the rule of law? Is this true, you've just not bothered to catch the real criminals? Have you really just made up the deficit by snatching the shortfall from other UK companies?

Does justice no longer need to prevail? Are you really in cahoots with the Judges so the companies you have accused cannot get any justice?

Blofeld cannot be allowed to get away with this. Why are you letting him? Maybe I need to reach out to 007?

Yours sincerely,

DM

DANGER: Operation Geoff Lewis Deployed

Dear HMRC,

As you know, Baron Silas Greenback is my sworn enemy. I must do all I can to stop him from destroying the planet and trying to take over the world.

The Baron is currently working undercover in HMRC and goes by the name of Geoff Lewis. You really can't miss him. He's a green toad with a wheezy voice and carries a white fluffy caterpillar as his pet.

Please be careful. No doubt he has already deployed a number of his henchmen throughout HMRC.

I am sending in Agent 57 to neutralise him.

DM

Legal Certainty Infringed...Referee says NO to fiscal neutrality

Dear HMRC,

Germany 4 England 1

Perhaps today you can begin to understand how it feels when legal certainty is infringed. How did you feel when that crucial goal was disallowed? It was clearly a goal, yet it was not given.

Isn't this what you do? When people score goals - you disallow it? The end result of HMRC decisions is illustrated below.

What goes around definitely comes around. When will you learn?

DM

Piss Taking Analysis

Dear HMRC,

This is quite embarassing but I need your help. It has been reported that you have been getting your staff to log all toilet breaks into spreadsheets. You should have about two years worth of toilet-taking data by now. I wondered if you planned to publish the stats anytime soon and if there were any particular findings.

I guess forcing those hapless cretins to drink less would have yielded some benefits. Have you produced any graphs at all? Can you split these results into gender, age, length of service and hours worked overall? You could probably sell this information to the private sector who could minimise their risk of recruiting excessive piss-taking cunts. (like the ones you seem to be lumbered with)

I am interested in this because I have a problem with my bladder. The doc has asked me to keep a record every time I take the piss. You immediately came to mind. I want to see what profile type of piss taker I am.

Any help with this would be as ever, greatly appreciated.

DM

HMRC officer jailed for stealing £85k from taxpayers

Dear HMRC,

Oh dear! One of your lot has been jailed for stealing money from taxpayers and pocketing it. Didn't anyone tell him he is supposed to steal it and hand it over to you? He could have avoided jail altogether. Sack the person who trained him. He clearly didn't get the right message across to your employee!

I have to admit, it was a surprise when I read this. Who is this Joff Parsons bloke and which dumbass gave him the anal jobtitle of Head of HMRC's internal governance criminal investigations?

Fancy saying:- "Corruption amongst our staff is rare and will not be tolerated."

This means that they rarely catch anyone so carry on people. Joff Parsons is an incompetent fool.

There are still some private sector businesses you havent screwed and fucked over yet. Please just stop them trading as soon as possible. The country needs to be driven into the shithole and HMRC is the only organisation capable of doing it. It's all down to you!

Also, some pensioners in my area are suffering from dementia. It would be a good opportunity to send some officers around to penalise them for something or other. Fuck it - just make up something and get a few hundred quid out of them. Who cares? They are old, fragile and extremely vulnerable which is your target market. By the time they realise and try and do something about it, chances are they will be dead.

Good luck HMRC. As ever, I am rooting for you and wish you every success in your money collecting endeavours.

Yours sincerely,

DM

The Budget

Dear HMRC,

I was extremely pleased to learn today that there is a two year pay freeze for public sector workers earning over 21k per annum. This is fantastic news for you guys! Just think, you’ll be saving real money which you can add to the millions of pounds of penalties you shower the unsuspecting taxpayers with.

You’re also quids in with the vat rise. Not only can you collects billions of pounds, you can also conjure up even more by not repaying businesses their vat that is due. So a combination of collection and thievery should make you even more powerful.

Soon, you will be able to overthrow the coalition government and dethrone The Queen. After this, you can take your army of officers and start invading Europe followed by the rest of the world. You can do it, I am rooting for you!

We will all have to hail you as the rulers of the World with our nazi salutes or be fined for not obeying your orders. Please, dont start shooting people will you?

Yours sincerely,

DM

EmployerTalk 2010

Dear HMRC,

I was not overly surprised when I opened and read your leaflet and discovered your plans to hold sessions at Ascot Racecourse. This is typical of public sector buffoons like yourselves to find lavish events to dictate your 11th century draconian policies.

Not only are you a shambles as an organisation, but you must lead very miserable lives as your mission seems to be deploying the most nasty, evil-minded, aggressive and downright disgusting policies known to mankind. You should be awarded for that.

HMRC are a diseased organisation that needs medical attention; here are some suggestions and tips you should seriously consider.

Remove those three useless buffoons running HMRC. They suck at their jobs and cant even keep their staff happy. The dictatorship comes from them.
Dave Hartnett is an overfed and overpaid wanker who is too busy wining and dining and growing his belly. Leslie Strathie is an unqualified busy body who has no idea about the real world. There’s another overpaid part-timer tosser who is so part-time I cannot even remember his name! Who is he and what does he do?

Remove the box-ticking, paper-shuffling, pen-pushing bureaucrats. The Labour Party is gone now and there is no need for these morons to be there. They are full of their own self-importance and ego, fuelled by the miniscule power they are given from above.

Dissecting your departments would also be a good start. Clearly, HMRC cant tell the difference between an arse and an elbow. I guess that is a symptom of merging HMCE and Inland Revenue together. Like any doomed marriage, this one will end in divorce or keep limping on in denial of the inevitable. Are you throwing printers and phones at each other yet?

Oh and finally, stop calling us customers you idiots. NHS have patients, MPs have constituents and you have taxpayers. No wonder you lot are fucked. You dont even realise that!

Stop sending me your shit. I dont want it and the less I have to do with you lot, the happier my life is.

Yours sincerely,

DM