Scavenger Act 2010 (part 2)

Dear HMRC,

I see that your new Scavenger Act 2010 is well and truly under way. Apparantly, being dead is not good enough to get away from paying tax. I see that mankind cannot even find solace in their grave.

So, you have now started to dig up graves to search the dead who have been buried for tax they owe. Really? Are you really that hungry for cash?

Your lord and master Dave Hartnett is reported to have said: "“Tax evasion isn’t a victimless crime. But we’re getting better at catching cheats. It’s not worth the risk.”

Well Dave, I would advise you to keep your grave location a secret you scum-sucking, greedy, ruthless, cunt of a wanker.

See article here.

Yours sincerely,

DM

HMRC Tax Avoidance & 3rd Party Payments

Chief information officer Deepak Singh was paid £149,500 by HMRC to work three months beyond his leaving date.

Really? And what did he do to earn such a fee when normal businesses cannot get what they're owed from you? you wankers!


Revenue & Customs paid senior official Singh the six figure sum for the period 19 June 2009 to 18 September 2009, accounts filed by the tax office show.
Singh had a three year contract at HMRC earning £160,000 per annum, ending in June last year. However, for three months from 19 June to 18 September, HMRC paid Singh £149,500 through his company Orwell Consulting.

Can I set up Cromwell Consulting and bill you for consultancy on Kittel? you know you need it.

Listed under "Third party payments for services of a senior manager", HMRC's accounts show £149,500 was paid to Orwell Consulting Ltd "for the services of Deepak Singh (a director of that company) who held the position of Acting Chief Information Officer".

You fucking what? Third party payments? Your dumb accountant should know that this term has been outlawed even if 3rd party payments are still legal.

Singh said he informed the tax office of his daily rate and it was "willing" to pay it, according to reports. HMRC's decision to allow Singh to be paid through his consultancy business would have substantially cut the former CIO's tax liabilities. Singh is liable for corporation tax of up to 28%, significantly lower than the higher-rate of income tax of 40%. HMRC is reported as saying it will ensure no tax is avoided as a result of the arrangement.

So what is good for the goose is not good for gander in the dictatorship world of HMRC?

Hypocrytical cunts.

See the article here

Spaghetti anyone?

George Osborne has said:- The "spaghetti bowl" of UK tax law is to be simplified to cut the burden on business and attract foreign investment"

Well Georgie boy, we wouldn't quite describe it as a bowl of spaghetti. You see, with spaghetti, you can gently pull a string and untangle each one quite easily. It's also very fragile and easy to break - bit like the UK economy.

The tax system, with its 11,000 page booklet is more like a ribbish tip, where shit has been dumped every day for the last 5 years and shovelling shit on a monumental scale is a lot harder than untangling a bit of spaghetti with your fingers. Good luck!

A good solution would be to set fire to the whole thing, burn it to the ground and start again. Got a match?

Article can be found on the BBC here.

Precautionary Pre-action Protocol

Dear HMRC,

I desperately need to get some supplies over to Colonel K who is in Denmark at the moment. I have located the equipment needed which is not zero-rated for vat. This is a big shame as I know that Baron Greenback aka Geoff Lewis is still undercover in HMRC destroying businesses.

So whilst this problem still exists, I would be ever so grateful if you would allow my supply to be zero-rated where I only need to pay the net values. I will forward you the supplier details.

Can you please confirm to my supplier that "Danger Mouse needs legal certainty urgently and that they are entitled to offset or circumvent the concept of fiscal neutraility" on this occasion. This would alleviate my suppliers legal obligations and give him the legal certainty as well.

I promise not to tell anyone.

Yours truly,

DM

Shiver me Timbers..

Dear HMRC,

I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean (I love a good classic) and a particular line stood out when Miss Turner brought up the pirate code of ethics with Captain Barbossa. His response was chilling!

Barbossa: First, your return to shore was not part of our negotiations nor our agreement so I must do nothing. And secondly, you must be a pirate for the pirate’s code to apply and you’re not. And thirdly, the code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl , Miss Turner .

remind you of anything? A certain NOTICE 726 perhaps?

Commissioners: First, your vat return repayment was not part of our negotiations nor our agreement so we must do nothing. And secondly, you must be a trader for Notice 726 to apply. And thirdly, the notice is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules. Welcome aboard Extended verification, you chump.

Well blow me down with a feather!

DM

Investigate all Shakeel Ahmeds

Dear HMRC,

I might be onto something here. I note that you've caught someone called Shakeel Ahmed and locked him up for some massive vat scam. I guess having luxury flats and houses, along with fast cars and enough money to build tower blocks in Dubai was somewhat of an indicator? Perhaps. Article in Telegraph here

Syed Ahmed, left, and Shakeel Ahmad, right

Anyway, I digress. Detective Inspector Shakeel Ahmed was also arrested last year on suspicion of money laundering and fraud. After a series of raids on homes and businesses, Police uncovered £150,000 in cash, a staggering 14 top-of-the-range cars that had been abandoned as well as jewellery and a suspected cannabis farm. The cars taken included a Maserati, a BMW X5 and a Jaguar XKR. The operation took place in Agbrig, West Yorkshire, where the senior cop lives, and also nearby Sandal. Article here

Detective Inspector Shakeel Ahmed

Is that a coincidence? Hmmm.

If you Google the name, there are 292,000 links. On a balance of probabilities, you will find more Shakeel Ahmeds to arrest if you start digging.

For starters, you might want to consider questioning Shakeel Ahmed, the cricketer for Pakistan. Even though he's retired from Cricket, he might be up to something.

Now that I've told you about this, you have a means to know. If anymore Shakeel Ahmeds pop up doing bad things, everyone will know that you ought to have known.

HMRC's New Scavenger Act 2010

Did you believe that when you die, you are free from the ball and chain and pile of shit that is bestowed upon you by your government? Well, think again, because you still have to pay tax when you are DEAD.

HMRC have launched their own Scavenger Act 2010. When you die, they will gather around your corpse and after stealing your shoes, they will search your pockets before feasting on your flesh. After they have had their fill, they will then search your house and your bank for more of the same. (ofcourse, they have justified this as 'checking out your tax position')

Be sure to warn your family that they can only grieve your death for a maximum of 7 days whilst the vultures circle. After this period, they will swoop down and descend upon your assets. You can check out the article by clicking here.

You have to give HMRC some credit. They make scum-sucking sound good!

illegal immigrants con HMRC

Dear HMRC,

The Daily Mail is reporting that some illegal immigrants managed to con you out of £4.5m in tax rebates. I have to applaud you today because it seems you actually caught the crooks instead of letting them get away and blaming someone else as usual. Bravo!

Yours sincerely,

DM

Click Here for Daily Mail article

Beckham should be issued with JSL

This will come as no surprise to those who have been on the receiving end of joint and several liability, but it seems like The Telegraph would like to hold Beckham jointly and severally liable for the demise of England at the World Cup and Andy Murray’s defeat in Wimbledon.

And why? Because David Beckham (a sportsman) happened to be there (at a major sporting event). How fucking dare he?

Forget the blindingly obvious facts that

a) Germany scored 4 goals and England scored 1. (ok 2). I thought that this was the reason that they lost?

b) Murray was beaten by a better opponent Nadal. Fair and square. When the big points came, Nadal held his nerve and Murray didnt. I thought that this was the reason that he lost?

Forget about the actual players and the fact that they didn’t play good enough, its all David Beckham’s fault because he was there in person:- (in the crowd, supporting and cheering England) – JSL can be applied to him.

As a sportsman, he should now not be allowed to attend, interfere, have any interest in, do business in any kind or type of sporting activity because he is jointly and severally liable for England’s recent sporting failures.

HMRC apply this JSL scheme to the business world. i.e. if you happen to be connected (even at a long distance) if a trader defaults, then you will also be blamed for their failure. This diseased and irrational concept is spreading. The Telegraph are now suggesting it.

JSL however, is nothing new. It goes all the way back to Adam and Eve when the two of them were held jointly liable because of the serpants temptations.

See the Telegraph article here.

Kittel

Did you know that a Kittel is a white robe which serves as a burial shroud for male Jews?

Fucking A!

He would have been better off calling himself Axel Foley.

Troughligate

HMRC paid 7 of their directors £1.24m last year. See the breakdown. Click here.

Sucking on the taxpayers teat.

Verification Kops

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