HMRC Greed or Desperation?

HMRC are telling businesses to get out their credit cards. "Cough up for us and max out your credit cards"

The article in the Telegraph is here, but since when do HMRC give this sort of 'tax advice'? Is this a new legislation or another made up policy they are surprising people with?

Desperation or greed? I say its both. In any case, don't pay them anything. Starve this beast. Paying tax is a two way street. They dont honour repayments, so they cant have tax. Here's an idea - offset it you cunts.

Businesses should complain to their MPs about HMRC again and again and again. Keep complaining until their ears bleed and they have to act and do something about this draconian monster.

The Great Libertarian Conspiracy

Think about it.

Time to Cough Up

Dear HMRC,

Someone has contacted me and requested clarification on smoking. Are you planning to increase the duty of cigarettes depending on size?
Apparantly, HMRC will from January 2011 treat any cigarette longer than 8cm (excluding the tip) as a separate cigarette and in a further crackdown, any cigarette which is a further 3cm above the 8cm, will be treated as a third cigarette. Meaning any cigarette 12cm or longer will be treated as three cigarettes, not one. A normal cigarette excluding the tip is 6cm in length.

you fucking what? - which bean counting figure fucker conjured up this shite?

Unfortunately, as my reader currently smokes 30-40 a day, they cannot afford to pay twice or sometimes three times as much and are making plans to take regular trips to Amsterdam in 2011.

I'm no fucking expert but.., do you really want to drive the smoking population out of this country like you have done to the business sector? Will you only be happy when you can see the tumbleweed rolling across the streets? Are you part of Agenda 21's depopulation strategy? I hear that people are even refusing to be buried in the UK now because of your grave digging antics.

You know, if you actually just collected what you are supposed to collect without fucking it up, you wouldn't need to resort to such low life, scum sucking levels of tyrannical behaviour. But hey, fuck them - innit?

Yours sincerely,

DM

They're in Cahoots

Yes folks, have a good look at this picture. We are the sheep that have been herded around in whatever direction that HMRC and Kangaroo Courts have seen fit. There are also wolves in sheep's clothing within our pack known as Solictors, Advisors and Barristers. I'm sure some wolves are ok(ish), but overall, you get the general picture.


Great picture stolen from Old Holborn's place.

Extended Verification is Bollocks

The asswipes over at HMRC have been ordered (by the powers that be) that extended verification needs to be executed. Who knows why? Who cares?

In order to protect yourselves, if you haven't already, do the following;

1. Complain about extended or the legal certainty element. Although it is a complete charade and the complaints department is cross protective of itself, it may help to gather these documents.
2. After you reach the end of their shitty complaints procedure, you will be directed to the Adjudicator. Dont expect much from this shambles - the Adjudictor has been recruited by HMRC to check on itself. That's real impartial stuff isn't it?

3. Whilst your complaint is with the Adjudicator, contact your local MP and ask for their help with regards to the Parliamentary Ombudsman. They will send you a form, or write to HMRC, or both.

4. Once the Adjudicator does the cross-protecting thing and sticks up for HMRC with no real argument, you can then take your case to the Parliamentary Ombudsman.

At the end of it all - I bet you get a decision?

Bernadette Kenny leaving HMRC

PAYE misChief Bernadette Kenny is leaving HMRC.

An HMRC spokesman said: "Bernadette Kenny, director general personal tax, is leaving HMRC at the end of January after 5 years with the department. "Bernadette who has been a civil servant for 30 years, has decided that she would like to pursue other career opportunities.

Translation:- Bernadette Kenny is beyond useless and has fantastically failed in her job affecting over 6 million people which must be a record. She therefore needs to consider going into something else. Let's all keep an eye on which new authority will recruit her at the taxpayer's expense.

For the sake of the British Taxpayers and the greater good, she needs to just go home and stay there, making whatever mistakes she wants in her own kitchen.

Incompetent cow.

Article is here

HMRC says NO to Legal Certainty

Click on the image to read it. Here is a fantastic example of sheer arrogance and disregard of the law from HMRC.

"HMRC is not able to provide the legal certainty you demand"

You what? I was not aware that there are different degrees or levels of legal certainty? Is the legal certainty requested different to any other? Either HMRC give legal certainty or they do not.

"HMRC must have the freedom to respond quickly to changing scenarios and their right to do so has been granted in law"

Bullshit. What about fairness, justice, rights, proportionality and legal certainty - all of these are missing in HMRC? Where does it say in law that these do not apply?

"HMRC are satisfied that their methods are legal and indeed have been successful where their methods have been challenged in the courts"

By their own admission, companies on extended are not able to challenge their process in the courts because no decision has been reached. (Other than a Judicial Review which we all know, HMRC make decisions on the doorstep). Each case is different with varying points of law and circumstances and HMRC should not be applying this sentence broadly (in this context) where legal certainty has been infringed.

If anyone else has any more examples of breathtaking arrogance from HMRC, then do get in touch so we can expose their contradictions and tyranny. Email me dearhmrc@hotmail.co.uk

Another Seminar...Same shit, same people, different company name

Oh Yipeee, there is another Seminar being held called "Tactics for Success" by BTG Tax (the same people from Vantis)

Although I would love to attend to see what shit shovelling exercise is now being fed to us, I would prefer to actually shovel real shit instead.

Bottom line:- Since the ruling at the Court of Appeal and during this 'interim' period between that and the Supreme Court, the biased and bigoted Tribunals are working on the balance of probabilities. With developing jurisprudence continuing on (because the law is an actual fucking ass), it would be better to keep your case on a slow burner until some fucking cunt actually applies the rule of law.

There is no point in pleading a case when there is no rule of law and your fate is decided on a balance of probabilities shrouded in opinion with no factual evidence.

Your solicitors and advisors will not tell you this. Seminar details here

HMRC Recruiting

CBO Required
An exciting new position has arisen within the HMRC department due to enhanced processes and aggressive targets

Chief Bureaucratic Officer (CBO)

Salary. £150k to £180k per annum

Permanent, full time post

To take a strategic lead of the illiberal officialism and development of Junior and middle management bureaucrats. To create new Quango processes for the efficiency of pen pushing and box ticking.

The candidate will develop policies for the policies already in place, and work in partnership with other policy implementers to deliver more sound policies by maximising productivity of those policies.

You must have:

* A minimum of 5 years’ experience of arguing, or whinging and whining. A dislike of the private sector would be a bonus.
* The ability to create suspicion and justify the unjustifiable.
* In addition to being disagreeable, being cynical is must.
* Solid understanding of how to strategically wriggle out of problems with borderline positioning within the law.
* Implement a stable, yet cross protective complaints department to cover for the plans implemented, thereby protecting the process and the staff.
* Excellent communication skills. Interpersonal skills desired although not essential.
* Enthusiasm, energy and a passion for micro managing at extreme autocratic levels.

We are looking for a candidate who has “the glass is half empty” outlook coupled with a unique ruthlessness for achieving the results. This position is suitable for anyone with longer term career aspirations of becoming a Eurocrat.

Full details of the above vacancy and an application form are available online at http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/

For an informal discussion about this post please contact Leslie Strathie or Dave Hartnett.

Closing date: 25 December 2010 Interview date: January 2011

Post number E22052128

HM Revenue & Crooks Inquiry

Apparantly, MPs are launching an inquiry into the effectiveness of HM Revenue & Crooks.

The Treasury sub-committee inquiry will focus on "how HMRC is doing its job, whether it can do it better, and what the future holds" following last month's comprehensive spending review.

Well we dont need to spend vital public funds to determine what we already know..... that HMRC are crooked to the core.

HMRC has demonstrated a shocking abuse of its wide-ranging powers by attempting to shut down 1000s of businesses with winding up petitions (most of which have failed)

HMRC make absurd allegations and when challenged, claim they are bound by the rules of confidentiality. (er, then dont make allegations you cannot back up)

HMRC blatantly infringe legal certainty by deliberately misrepresenting and twisting court rulings into their own interpretation.

No-one respects HMRC because they are crooked and even their own staff are miserable which reflects how the so-called organisation is being run.

Type HMRC blunders into Google and there are millions of horror stories.

HMRC's complaint procedure is biased and self-protective which does nothing more than erode away democracy.

HMRC call taxpayers customers. They dont see the difference between the two so they are massively incompetent.

the list goes on and on and on.....

article is here

HMRC helps Vodafone

Angry protestors have caused the closing down of the Vodafone store in Oxford Street, London. Their claim being that Vodafone are tax dodgers who owe £6bn and that this almost covers the welfare cuts announced by the coalition.

Hold on just a minute....

Has anyone thought of asking why HMRC did a deal with Vodafone?

Surely, if Vodafone struck a deal with HMRC, then it should be HMRC to account?

Can someone ask that overpaid, overfed wanker at HMRC Dave Hartnett why he saw fit to move the Vodafone case from his specialists and lawyers to find a softly softly approach to negotiate with Vodafone’s head of tax, John Connors.

Were John Connors and Dave Hartnett gay lovers or something?



In the end, Vodafone were billed for £800m and was decided without consulting HMRC’s litigators and specialists in the tax law. Oh and Dave also agreed that these dodgy arrangements could carry on into the future with a promise of no challenge from HMRC.

So this move from Dave "hypocrite" Hartnett is encouraging tax avoidance.

Does this mean that tax avoidance is only for a select few and the rest of us assholes get thugs at the door because we are not permitted to avoid?

What kind of double-standards and hypocrisy is this from HMRC or is it just a question of sucking the rights person's dick? (in this case the dick being Dave Harnett's)

article here

Authorised Thugs of HMRC, Coming Soon

HM Revenue & Customs (HMRC) has "vowed" to use debt collection agencies (DCAs) to chase tax evaders and avoiders.

Evasion is illegal and avoidance is legal, but HMRC will not differentiate between the two being the law-breakers that they are, they can get away with it.

So, if you've evaded tax, saved money, then there is a thug coming for you.

If you have hired an advisor, paid shit loads of fees, done the saving 'legally' - there is a thug coming for you.

Note however, if you did it the legal way, you are more likely than not - going to lose even more money than the evaders.

The criminals at HMRC are now hiring the UK's skinhead group of thuggish clampers as they have fuck all else to do since the coalition's law changes on clamping. Now these bullies will be attacking you directly instead of your car.

HMRC can kiss my teeny, tiny little white ass!

Article is here

13,000 jobs to be cut at HMRC

HMRC (the UK's Mafia) have announced that some 13,000 jobs will be cut between April 2011 and April 2015. They will still be left with 56,000 in their gang and able to continue with their business terrorism activities.

But its good news that there will be less of these terrorists to contend with.

article is here

HMRC Despotism

Who are the greatest deceivers of Britain?
Breaking great laws that were once written?
Of crafty deception and trickery...
Comes HMRC’s skullduggery.

HMRC Skullduggery Concept:-

Above the law we are today,
Causing grief and much dismay.
Pay us now or you will suffer,
If we owe you, we’ll be much tougher

Vat that is due, we will surely block
Law is a concept that we just mock
Its not fair and its not right
But we are the ones with all the might

Tax avoidance is now evasion
Tax advice is an unlawful occasion
Means to know or a J.S.L.
Working in the UK is living hell

Abuse of rights and verification
Causing grief and much frustration
Against the law? Yes, we know it is
But that’s what we do – we take the piss

MOK AWARDS

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Greedy Solicitors & Crap Tax Advisors

Dear Traders,

All you have to do is look at some recent cases and you'll see that not all solicitors are advising their clients in accordance with their best interests. To avoid being massacred, do the damage limitation with us.

Call Greedy Now on 020 7612 2530

Cheers!

HMRC..., the UKs Very Own MAFIA

Today, the word "mafia" is used to refer to almost any organized crime group, and in some cases is even used to describe groups completely unrelated to crime.

­In organized crime there is a hierarchy, with higher-ranking members making decisions that trickle down to the other members of the "family".

HMRC act like the Mafia - both of these groups have goal alignment in their activities:-

1. The ultimate point of the Mafia is to make money. Same applies to HMRC.

2. Both groups use extortian, forcing people to give up their money by threatening them in some way.

3. The Mafia gives 'protection rackets' as part of their extorian scheme and HMRC use the 'public purse' as their justification. (public funds for quangos, gold plated pensions and extravagent expenses)

4. The Mafia makes money by participating in virtually any activity that is illegal. HMRC participate in every activity both legal and illegal (so they are worse)

5. The Mafia will hijack trucks and unload entire shipments of stolen goods. HMRC will take all vat reclaims and pocket those.

6. The current Mafia took centuries to develop. HMRC developed in 2005 and reached Mafia status within 12 months.

7. Both groups are so powerful that their criminal activities are never reported or acted upon.

The problem with Gremlins

HMCE and IR as separate entities were indeed wankers in their own right, but they were good wankers who abided by the rule of law.

Unfortunately (for us), the merger of these two units into HMRC has spawned these units into a destructive, evil monster that unleashes a horde of malevolently mischievous monsters on towns and cities across the country. That is where HMRC is today.

So with the news that a PCG poll found that 71 per cent of its members feel that HMRC should be spilt into two divisions, one for revenue and one for customs, this is welcoming news for the UK population and fantastic news for the economy.

Do it, do it, do it!!!!

Article is here.

Soviet Britain Launches New Slavery Scheme

Read it and weep.

Firms could be forced to send employees’ pay directly to the Government first so that officials can deduct the right amount of tax before earnings can be banked. Plans to replace the Pay As You Earn system – where companies calculate and withhold tax themselves – come after HM Revenue and Customs admitted billions of pounds are not being collected. Officials believe a more centralised system could help eradicate the current problem where nearly 10 per cent of cash owed to the Exchequer goes unpaid.

This is legalised theft by a bunch of legalised thieves. A big brother orwellian proposal and a totalitarian nightmare that would effectively make every working person a state employee overnight.

They will soon be issuing Beer Tokens after you have filled in a twenty page assessment to prove you are not a binge drinker, fat people would, after a medical by the Government Quacks be issued vouchers for healthy food only, car drivers, after a retest costing £60 deducted from the wages that the taxman already has, and filling in a risk assessment costing £30 on the car they drive, could cut greenhouse gasses by only being issued enough petrol vouchers to get to work and back plus one shopping trip. .

But MPs because of their special position in society would be exempt, so would royalty, so would business leaders and contributors to party funding of course...

They make communist China sound good. These Government institutions are there to serve us, yet they are hellbent on enslavement.

Atricle is here

The Law is an Ass - Part 2

These two are back in the press again. Apparantly, they couldn't find the 93 million pounds each needed to avoid being sentenced. They are now serving 10 years on top totalling 17 years.

So, let's just step back a moment and look at sentencing in general:-

• Raping a woman nets a perpetrator 2 to 6 years,


• Murder nets maybe 6 to 10 years,


• Stealing from the socialist government and you will never see the light of day....

I'm not condoning crime of any sort, but logic dictates that sentencing should be 'just' under a 'justice system'. It seems that if you kill thy neighbour, your sentence will be more lenient and if you fuck with the state, they will throw away the key. Money holds more importance than blood to these people.

The Law is an Ass and nothing has changed since the Middle Ages.

Deluded-Arrogant-Bigoted Bitch Speaks

Britain's chief tax collector was accused of astonishing arrogance last night after appearing to complain about having to ‘serve’ every taxpayer. As she was quizzed by MPs about the tax fiasco affecting millions of people, HM Revenue & Customs chief executive Dame Lesley Strathie insisted ‘no mistakes’ had been made by her staff.

No, you are right. HMRC staff have made no mistakes. It is the fault of the 2.3 million taxpayers who over-earned.

Defending her performance amid a barrage of hostile questioning from MPs from all parties, Dame Lesley pointed out that if she were head of a large business she would be able to pick and choose her customers.

err, no you dumb whore of Babylon. Large businesses have to entice their customers who have a choice whether to deal with them or not. The business doesn't "pick and choose", the customer does!?!...... You thick fucking piece of shit.

Tax chiefs hauled to give evidence to the Treasury Select Committee admitted that a staggering 24million people could have had their tax bills miscalculated over recent years. Six million will get letters before Christmas either demanding an average of £1,400 or offering a refund by cheque after a new computer system identified errors in their PAYE accounts.

According to Strathie, miscalculations are not mistakes? Someone pass this dumbass woman a dictionary and a book about businesses and how to acquire customers.

But MPs heard there is a backlog of a further 17.9million ‘unresolved’ tax cases dating back to 2005, which HMRC is hoping to process by 2012. Many of those could now face demands for underpaid tax. Ministers have ordered HMRC to make another climbdown to try to appease public anger.

Its one thing fucking around with businesses and destroying them, but messing with the general working population who barely earn enough money to function on? Me thinks that HMRC is too big for their boots!

Work at HMRC? - Only bigots need apply.

Finger pointing antics of HMRC

Dave Fart-nett Blowing Off Again! The grave digging overpaid tax collector and imbecile has just delivered another gaffe, much to my amusement.

With his "I'm not sorry, oh wait, I am sorry" debacle over 1.4 million people getting screwed on PAYE, it is rather funny to see that Mr Hartnett is getting blamed for something that maybe he didn't even do - but hey, he had the means to know right?

Leslie Strathie, HMRC's very own medusa holds the title of Chief Executive and Permanent Secretary on £170k a year is in charge. Dave is not even in charge of PAYE. That is Bernadette Kenny (Director General Personal Tax).

Bernadette Kenny doesn't even report to Dave Harnett, she reports to Lesley Strathie who runs the show.

Now these two bonnie lasses from Scotland are no fucking tax experts....

Leslie Strathie joined the Civil Service in 1971 straight from school as a clerical assistant in the Department of Health & Social Security then spend the rest of her career in the unemployment and benefits side. Bernadette Kenny has Personal tax (including PAYE) and had a career at Department for Constitutional Affairs (DCA) and moved to the HMRC after a short time managing the Royal Parks.

I did wonder who they slept with to get those positions, but quickly dismissed the thought. I dont know of any blind men in HMRC who are gagging for it enough to endure giving these two a good seeing to.

Anyway...........

As we can see, here are two "well qualified" women getting top jobs and screwing it up, happy to take the salary but then let the man Dave be the fall guy.

what do we care? They can fucking eat themselves from the inside-out so long as they stop terrorising people and abusing their power.

HMRC - we can rely on these useless shower of bastards for more blunders in the future.

The Law is an Ass

Livewire - The Sequel - Out Now!!

So folks, we have European Telecom who sailed to victory in the biased and bigoted Tribunal. Apparantly, the Kangaroo Courts are no longer concerned with trading styles and other irrelevent information which has somehow taken these Judging Robots donkeys to work out after Moses shoved the Court of Appeal decision into their empty numb skull hard drives.

The stench of the Tribunal's bullshit is really starting to fester.

Remember how we all felt when Livewire won? Well that was in 2008. This is just Livewire Part 2. More of the same bullshit to extort you into further debt by giving you false hope. I suggest you show your solicitor the middle finger when it comes to putting your hand in your pocket to pay them. And what for? So you can listen to bigoted Judges criticise you about the way you conduct your business. What's worse is that these chicken shit Judges dont even give you decision in court - they run along and take 2 weeks and send it via a solicitor.

Even posh talking wankers like them know they are being wankers.

Listen up..... It is not a crime to be disorganised, or an incompetent fool or a selfish bastard. Just look at the MPs and HMRC for inspiration as shining and leading examples.

The Tribunals know, and so do the solicitors that we know that they're biased and bigoted. They might as well just call it HMRC's Pocket Tribunal. Version 2 is out now on Baili.org.

Racist taxmen sacked

Oh dear. **sigh**

Seven taxmen have been sacked for deliberately underpaying child benefit to ethnic minority families.

Two other workers quit when an investigation was launched earlier this year.

All nine were based at an HM Revenue and Customs contact centre in Belfast, where they had access to computerised national benefits records.

*** it beggars belief that such an investigation is taken so seriously when its against the child benefit payments to non-nationals when the UK public and UK businesses are being discriminated against in such a bad way, it is worse than racism ***

Oh well, at least the non-nationals are getting what they are due even if the nationals aren't.

article is here.

HMRC Hiding the Facts

HMRC will not publish full annual report and accounts - figures showing the success rate of court actions by HMRC are omitted and details of complaints against HMRC are also left out from the abridged reporting.

What happened to the adage that those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear?

The article is here.

HMRC's Own Goal

Portsmouth win vital court case against HMRC - Portsmouth have won a court case with the tax authorities which could have forced the club into liquidation.

HM Revenue and Customs challenged the legality of Portsmouth's Company Voluntary Agreement, the means by which the Championship club will attempt to settle their debts.

"I propose to find in favour of the company administrators and dismiss the application of HMRC," said Mr Justice Mann.

HMRC argued it was owed £13million more than the £24million value put on its claim. The administrators disputed the accuracy of the taxman's figures and assessments, and today the judge ruled in their favour.

HMRC committed a foul in their own penalty box and kicked the ball into their own goal. At least play the game properly.

article in the Telegraph here

Scavenger Act 2010 (part 2)

Dear HMRC,

I see that your new Scavenger Act 2010 is well and truly under way. Apparantly, being dead is not good enough to get away from paying tax. I see that mankind cannot even find solace in their grave.

So, you have now started to dig up graves to search the dead who have been buried for tax they owe. Really? Are you really that hungry for cash?

Your lord and master Dave Hartnett is reported to have said: "“Tax evasion isn’t a victimless crime. But we’re getting better at catching cheats. It’s not worth the risk.”

Well Dave, I would advise you to keep your grave location a secret you scum-sucking, greedy, ruthless, cunt of a wanker.

See article here.

Yours sincerely,

DM

HMRC Tax Avoidance & 3rd Party Payments

Chief information officer Deepak Singh was paid £149,500 by HMRC to work three months beyond his leaving date.

Really? And what did he do to earn such a fee when normal businesses cannot get what they're owed from you? you wankers!


Revenue & Customs paid senior official Singh the six figure sum for the period 19 June 2009 to 18 September 2009, accounts filed by the tax office show.
Singh had a three year contract at HMRC earning £160,000 per annum, ending in June last year. However, for three months from 19 June to 18 September, HMRC paid Singh £149,500 through his company Orwell Consulting.

Can I set up Cromwell Consulting and bill you for consultancy on Kittel? you know you need it.

Listed under "Third party payments for services of a senior manager", HMRC's accounts show £149,500 was paid to Orwell Consulting Ltd "for the services of Deepak Singh (a director of that company) who held the position of Acting Chief Information Officer".

You fucking what? Third party payments? Your dumb accountant should know that this term has been outlawed even if 3rd party payments are still legal.

Singh said he informed the tax office of his daily rate and it was "willing" to pay it, according to reports. HMRC's decision to allow Singh to be paid through his consultancy business would have substantially cut the former CIO's tax liabilities. Singh is liable for corporation tax of up to 28%, significantly lower than the higher-rate of income tax of 40%. HMRC is reported as saying it will ensure no tax is avoided as a result of the arrangement.

So what is good for the goose is not good for gander in the dictatorship world of HMRC?

Hypocrytical cunts.

See the article here

Spaghetti anyone?

George Osborne has said:- The "spaghetti bowl" of UK tax law is to be simplified to cut the burden on business and attract foreign investment"

Well Georgie boy, we wouldn't quite describe it as a bowl of spaghetti. You see, with spaghetti, you can gently pull a string and untangle each one quite easily. It's also very fragile and easy to break - bit like the UK economy.

The tax system, with its 11,000 page booklet is more like a ribbish tip, where shit has been dumped every day for the last 5 years and shovelling shit on a monumental scale is a lot harder than untangling a bit of spaghetti with your fingers. Good luck!

A good solution would be to set fire to the whole thing, burn it to the ground and start again. Got a match?

Article can be found on the BBC here.

Precautionary Pre-action Protocol

Dear HMRC,

I desperately need to get some supplies over to Colonel K who is in Denmark at the moment. I have located the equipment needed which is not zero-rated for vat. This is a big shame as I know that Baron Greenback aka Geoff Lewis is still undercover in HMRC destroying businesses.

So whilst this problem still exists, I would be ever so grateful if you would allow my supply to be zero-rated where I only need to pay the net values. I will forward you the supplier details.

Can you please confirm to my supplier that "Danger Mouse needs legal certainty urgently and that they are entitled to offset or circumvent the concept of fiscal neutraility" on this occasion. This would alleviate my suppliers legal obligations and give him the legal certainty as well.

I promise not to tell anyone.

Yours truly,

DM

Shiver me Timbers..

Dear HMRC,

I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean (I love a good classic) and a particular line stood out when Miss Turner brought up the pirate code of ethics with Captain Barbossa. His response was chilling!

Barbossa: First, your return to shore was not part of our negotiations nor our agreement so I must do nothing. And secondly, you must be a pirate for the pirate’s code to apply and you’re not. And thirdly, the code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl , Miss Turner .

remind you of anything? A certain NOTICE 726 perhaps?

Commissioners: First, your vat return repayment was not part of our negotiations nor our agreement so we must do nothing. And secondly, you must be a trader for Notice 726 to apply. And thirdly, the notice is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules. Welcome aboard Extended verification, you chump.

Well blow me down with a feather!

DM

Investigate all Shakeel Ahmeds

Dear HMRC,

I might be onto something here. I note that you've caught someone called Shakeel Ahmed and locked him up for some massive vat scam. I guess having luxury flats and houses, along with fast cars and enough money to build tower blocks in Dubai was somewhat of an indicator? Perhaps. Article in Telegraph here

Syed Ahmed, left, and Shakeel Ahmad, right

Anyway, I digress. Detective Inspector Shakeel Ahmed was also arrested last year on suspicion of money laundering and fraud. After a series of raids on homes and businesses, Police uncovered £150,000 in cash, a staggering 14 top-of-the-range cars that had been abandoned as well as jewellery and a suspected cannabis farm. The cars taken included a Maserati, a BMW X5 and a Jaguar XKR. The operation took place in Agbrig, West Yorkshire, where the senior cop lives, and also nearby Sandal. Article here

Detective Inspector Shakeel Ahmed

Is that a coincidence? Hmmm.

If you Google the name, there are 292,000 links. On a balance of probabilities, you will find more Shakeel Ahmeds to arrest if you start digging.

For starters, you might want to consider questioning Shakeel Ahmed, the cricketer for Pakistan. Even though he's retired from Cricket, he might be up to something.

Now that I've told you about this, you have a means to know. If anymore Shakeel Ahmeds pop up doing bad things, everyone will know that you ought to have known.

HMRC's New Scavenger Act 2010

Did you believe that when you die, you are free from the ball and chain and pile of shit that is bestowed upon you by your government? Well, think again, because you still have to pay tax when you are DEAD.

HMRC have launched their own Scavenger Act 2010. When you die, they will gather around your corpse and after stealing your shoes, they will search your pockets before feasting on your flesh. After they have had their fill, they will then search your house and your bank for more of the same. (ofcourse, they have justified this as 'checking out your tax position')

Be sure to warn your family that they can only grieve your death for a maximum of 7 days whilst the vultures circle. After this period, they will swoop down and descend upon your assets. You can check out the article by clicking here.

You have to give HMRC some credit. They make scum-sucking sound good!

illegal immigrants con HMRC

Dear HMRC,

The Daily Mail is reporting that some illegal immigrants managed to con you out of £4.5m in tax rebates. I have to applaud you today because it seems you actually caught the crooks instead of letting them get away and blaming someone else as usual. Bravo!

Yours sincerely,

DM

Click Here for Daily Mail article

Beckham should be issued with JSL

This will come as no surprise to those who have been on the receiving end of joint and several liability, but it seems like The Telegraph would like to hold Beckham jointly and severally liable for the demise of England at the World Cup and Andy Murray’s defeat in Wimbledon.

And why? Because David Beckham (a sportsman) happened to be there (at a major sporting event). How fucking dare he?

Forget the blindingly obvious facts that

a) Germany scored 4 goals and England scored 1. (ok 2). I thought that this was the reason that they lost?

b) Murray was beaten by a better opponent Nadal. Fair and square. When the big points came, Nadal held his nerve and Murray didnt. I thought that this was the reason that he lost?

Forget about the actual players and the fact that they didn’t play good enough, its all David Beckham’s fault because he was there in person:- (in the crowd, supporting and cheering England) – JSL can be applied to him.

As a sportsman, he should now not be allowed to attend, interfere, have any interest in, do business in any kind or type of sporting activity because he is jointly and severally liable for England’s recent sporting failures.

HMRC apply this JSL scheme to the business world. i.e. if you happen to be connected (even at a long distance) if a trader defaults, then you will also be blamed for their failure. This diseased and irrational concept is spreading. The Telegraph are now suggesting it.

JSL however, is nothing new. It goes all the way back to Adam and Eve when the two of them were held jointly liable because of the serpants temptations.

See the Telegraph article here.

Kittel

Did you know that a Kittel is a white robe which serves as a burial shroud for male Jews?

Fucking A!

He would have been better off calling himself Axel Foley.

Troughligate

HMRC paid 7 of their directors £1.24m last year. See the breakdown. Click here.

Sucking on the taxpayers teat.

Verification Kops

followed on by....

Shurely shome mishtake?

Oh come now HMRC, I hope this is not true. This is a note from my trusty sidekick Penfold. I've never seen him so angry before? I forward his note to you in full and trust that you will take note and act accordingly.

Crumbs DM!, - Those peskey HMRC people are at it again. You remember my aunt in Abergavenny who sends me cookies? Well, she cannot send me anymore for the time being. Her costs have increased by 17.5%. None of her expenses where she is incurring tax are being repaid.

Her phone bills, her IT bills, her business costs are all being withheld by HMRC. She then got a solicitor to sort this out and they wont even pay the vat back on those bills either! She is stuffed.

I am going to Wales to stay with her for a week. I'm sorry I cannot assist you with any secret missions until then, but this cannot be helped Chief. I think Leslie Strathie is behind all of this.

Yours, Penfold

Dear Ms Strathie,

Penfold is my loyal sidekick and your stance in this respect is plainly unjustified and unlawful.

Penfold's aunt has an absolute legal right to deduct VAT under the Sixth Directive together with a basic right to legal certainty and fiscal neutrality in her dealings with HMRC. She also has a right to go about her business without unlawful restraint or interference from others.

Now because of you, I dont get any cookies! Stop terrorising businesses and do something more constructive instead.

Oh and don't EVER step onto a Zebra crossing in front of me, you parasitical pissflap.

Yours sincerely,

DM

No Rule of Law

Dear HMRC,

Today I have intercepted a transmission between Baron Greenback (aka Geoff Lewis) and Blofeld.

I have confirmed the authenticity of this transcript through our high-tech voice recognition system. Here are the details of their rather disturbing conversation.

Start Transmission:-

Loss of Transmission:-

Good grief HMRC, what has happened to the rule of law? Is this true, you've just not bothered to catch the real criminals? Have you really just made up the deficit by snatching the shortfall from other UK companies?

Does justice no longer need to prevail? Are you really in cahoots with the Judges so the companies you have accused cannot get any justice?

Blofeld cannot be allowed to get away with this. Why are you letting him? Maybe I need to reach out to 007?

Yours sincerely,

DM

DANGER: Operation Geoff Lewis Deployed

Dear HMRC,

As you know, Baron Silas Greenback is my sworn enemy. I must do all I can to stop him from destroying the planet and trying to take over the world.

The Baron is currently working undercover in HMRC and goes by the name of Geoff Lewis. You really can't miss him. He's a green toad with a wheezy voice and carries a white fluffy caterpillar as his pet.

Please be careful. No doubt he has already deployed a number of his henchmen throughout HMRC.

I am sending in Agent 57 to neutralise him.

DM

Legal Certainty Infringed...Referee says NO to fiscal neutrality

Dear HMRC,

Germany 4 England 1

Perhaps today you can begin to understand how it feels when legal certainty is infringed. How did you feel when that crucial goal was disallowed? It was clearly a goal, yet it was not given.

Isn't this what you do? When people score goals - you disallow it? The end result of HMRC decisions is illustrated below.

What goes around definitely comes around. When will you learn?

DM